it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
