this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
