Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
