Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
