It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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