I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
