Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
