If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
