I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
