I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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