thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
