I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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