Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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