I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
