Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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