I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
