You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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