I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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