yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Randomize
