i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
