Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
