She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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