apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
