Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
