Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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