This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
