i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
