Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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