Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
