She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I intend to get homeless drunk
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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