So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
