I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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