That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
