if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
