I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
