This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
