I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
