Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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