haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
