I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
