hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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