Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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