Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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