Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
