i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
