I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
