You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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