so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
