I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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