Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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