So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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